I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
