Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
