she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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