Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
