I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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