sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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