I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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