What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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