We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
