no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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