Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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