I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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