i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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