Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
