Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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