The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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