A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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