Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
