I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize