Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
