I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
