wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
