when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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