She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
