I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
