my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
