there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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