Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
