it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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