why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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