No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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