The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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