dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
