I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
