Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
