my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just want to make out with him forever
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
