I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
