The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
