I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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