We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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