Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
