I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
