Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
