I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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