my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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