Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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