Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
