There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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