I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
