I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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