why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
