Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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