he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
