well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
