I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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