I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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