I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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