Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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